THIS IS MY OFFICIAL BIOGRAPHY.
WRITTEN BY ME. ABOUT ME.
FOR EVERYONE WHO NEEDS TO KNOW HOW IMPORTANT I AM.
Splinter’s Self-Written Bio — Edited by Sir Hugo
Authored by Splinter. Approved by absolutely no one.
Hello! It is I, Splinter, the greatest tiny creature in the entire forest.
This is a fact. I measured it.
Editor’s note: He measured nothing. He guessed. Badly.
I was born from a very handsome branch, a patch of heroic moss, and a spark of pure mischief that has never gone out.
Editor’s note: The mischief was immediate.
My heart glows — literally glows — which means I am magical, important, and occasionally visible from space.
Editor’s note: He is not visible from space. Barely across a clearing, and that is mostly the hat.
I wear a bobble hat decorated with treasures I definitely found and absolutely did not borrow without permission.
Editor’s note: He borrowed them. Without permission. Frequently.
My hat is famous.
My hat has fans.
My hat once caused a diplomatic incident with a squirrel.
Editor’s note: The squirrel was provoked.
I am the Junior Mischief Officer of High Dene Publishing. I gave myself this job because nobody else was brave enough to handle the amount of chaos I produce.
Editor’s note: This is not a real position. It is a problem.
Sir Hugo says it is “not a real position.”
Sir Hugo is wrong.
Editor’s note: Sir Hugo is correct.
My hobbies include:
Rearranging things that were already tidy
Collecting buttons for emergencies
Falling off mushrooms in new and exciting ways
Starting adventures accidentally
Shouting “THIS IS FINE!” when it is not fine
Editor’s note: All of this is true. Plus:
Removing and hiding commas.
Adding items to book pages.
Resizing characters.
Adding buttons to things that should not have buttons.
I never cause chaos.
I am loyal, brave, and extremely aerodynamic when thrown.
Editor’s note: He should not be thrown. Even if aerodynamic.
I live in the glowing-mushroom part of the forest, where magic hums, secrets rustle, and creatures whisper things like:
“Oh no. Splinter’s awake.”
Editor’s note: This is accurate. I have heard it myself.
I am, and always will be:
Powered by mischief since forever.
Editor’s note: Regrettably, yes.
Signed,
Splinter
Writer. Hero. Hat model. Chaos enthusiast. Forest legend.
(Please clap.)
Editor’s note: Do not encourage him.
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